Is Lolo going to die?

That Thursday when my Dad went into palliative care, one of the things I most worried about was telling the children the truth, and how they would react. Would they be scared? Would they be uncomfortable? Are they too young to know the truth?

Noah and Eliza knew that Lolo was unwell, and that he had been in hospital for some time. Praying for his recovery was a big part of our nightly prayers. As soon as my Dad moved to the renal ward, we encouraged the grandchildren to visit as often as they could, even for short stints. We even discussed the possibility of spending Christmas Day at the ward.  We would get there early in the hopes of securing the lounge (a big room where one could take a break from being in the wards) to accommodate the family.

There were a couple of times when they asked Is Lolo going to die, to which I always answered I hope not and that the doctors and Lolo are all working hard for him to get better.

Since we had a pre-booked trip to Diamond Beach the week before Christmas, leaving that weekend, Tim and I knew that we had to tell the children that evening that Lolo was really sick and we were cancelling Diamond Beach. We emphasised to them that we needed to spend as much time with him, and that we needed for our family to be together.

The children started wailing.

Tim and I were not sure if they were wailing because we were no longer going on holidays or if they understood the significance of cancelling the holiday.

We comforted them with the fact that their cousins, Ate, Isaac and Zachy were also cancelling Diamond Beach. and that they could hang out with them as much as they wanted.

Suddenly, Eliza asked that question, Is Lolo going to die?

From reading some Mummy forums regarding the topic of death and children, I knew that the worse thing we could do was to lie, to continue telling them I hope not, on the pretext of trying to protect them,  While we needed to protect the children, we needed to be transparent.

So I said, there is a big possibility, he is really really sick.

Eliza then proceeded to ask is Lolo going to heaven?

This one I was sure of my answer - Yes I said, I am sure he is.

How will his body go to heaven?

I said that his body will be placed in a special box, then this box will be taken to a special place which will help bring him to heaven.

That seemed to satisfy.

Noah and Eliza never asked questions about Lolo again that weekend. They accepted that we were no longer going on holidays and that we were going to spend most of the weekend at the hospital.

I will never know their first hand reactions were when they found out that Monday morning that Lolo had passed. Tim had to tell them. Tim tells me that they were upset but I don't have any first hand memories of their faces or of their initial words.

I had very little energy left to give Noah and Eliza between the time Dad died and his funeral. Thank God for Tim and my sister in law, life blessings to myself and my brother, who kept the children fed, occupied, engaged and happy. They both held the fort to keep the family running, and have as much normality as possible.

I still wasn't sure how Noah and Eliza felt about Lolo's passing.

My Dad had a viewing prior to his funeral mass. We knew that the viewing would involve an open casket. Tim and I agreed that we would take the children's lead on this, that we would let Noah and Eliza decide if they wanted to see Lolo in his special box.

At the viewing, I remember not needing to ask Noah and Eliza if they wanted to see Lolo in his special box. Before I knew it, they were viewing Lolo, together with Ate, Isaac and Zachary. I think they even looked at him before I did.  I don't know whether it was pure curiosity but it was a heartwarming sight. So brave. So normal. No need to over complicate. One that would have my Dad smiling from heaven.

As a parent, it can often be hard to find the right mix between protecting and being transparent. The children are still young, they should be protected for as long as possible. However, we should never underestimate their comprehension and capabilities. It will help them grow!

Who knows?

All I know is that we continue to pray for Lolo, no longer for him to get better soon but to watch over us from heaven. The children have also started to get used to going to the cemetery to visit Lolo's grave, talking to him, praying for him. They have also been observing much of the graves in the cemetery, playing the guessing game if it's a coffin burial, or not! This is our new norm.

Yes, Lolo died, and it's okay Mummy!

Noah and Eliza visiting Lolo's grave.